


and nothing comes close

by Prrrrmm



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M, Neil wants to see his boyfriend and wants to be held, Soft Pining, he gets both, lots of introspection and thoughts of the past, this is literally just super soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-27 13:01:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20408170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prrrrmm/pseuds/Prrrrmm
Summary: “I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you.”“Me too.”Or, Neil Josten is a pining fool who misses his boyfriend and drives up to see him.





	and nothing comes close

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all!  
I've been having some pining - I want the future NOW - feels lately and this was a good way to vent that. These boys are so good ;;;;  
Song title comes from the song Oceans by Seafret. I think this song is about breaking up but uhhh we can pretend it's about that 'I miss you' long distant relationship feel.  
Thank you so, so, much to my lovely Mils for editing <333 ilu bean  
Edit: damn y'all really liked this! Thank you so much for all those comments and kudos ;;;; ilu guys

Exhaustion and want warred within Neil; one pulling down into a dark abyss of sleep and oblivion the other pulling towards a future he wanted right then. Today had been a lot - practice and class taking up more energy than Neil had to give. Daydreams mental effort as well, and he had spent a lot of time doing just that when there was any downtime. A _ want _ crept along the edges of his dreams lately, and the more he entertained the idea of it, the more it distracted him. 

They hadn’t spoken about their future very much, but Andrew had told him to stay and Neil took that to mean for as long as he wanted him around. He hadn’t been sent away yet, and their nightly calls had to mean something. 

Good things were a fragile and hesitant hope, but Neil couldn’t help but think of the future. He wanted soft mornings in bed, waking up to see Andrew still asleep beside him. There was a blankness to him when he was awake, but in sleep, he was softer. Neil didn’t know if he could explain it any other way. 

He wanted coffee and reading, night driving, and everything they had when they were together in the Fox Tower but _ more. _ It was hard when you lived in an entire building of other athletes. Colombia had always offered some sense of being in their own world, but never for long. Neil wanted it all the time, just him and Andrew. 

He played with the idea, but to seriously think about it with the intent of making it happen scared him. The future was still years away, and it put an ache in Neil’s chest. Fear and want were equally powerful emotions, and he wasn’t sure how to handle them.

What he did know how to handle was the phone ringing in his hand. Answering it with an easy smile tugging at his lips, Neil said, “I think I need a nap.”

“You sound like an old man,” Andrew said. It would have been unnoticeable to anyone else, but Neil heard the twinge of amusement lacing his words. 

He huffed a short laugh, Andrew’s voice anchoring him, and already the day's problems were far away. Settling on his pillows, he stretched out with a small groan, “Twenty-four feels old when you expected to die at nineteen.” 

Andrew hummed. "Tell me about your day.” 

After Neil had finished filling him in on his classes he went on to tell him about all the challenges he’d had pop up as captain since the new exy season had started. When he finished, he flicked his eyes to the door. He was alone in his dorm for once, the other Foxes out to eat.

“I miss you,” he murmured. 

Silence like taffy pulled between them, and usually, silences were comfortable between them, but this was heavy. For a moment Neil thought Andrew had fallen asleep. He would never do that though - Neil was the one who fell asleep more times than he could count with Andrew’s steady voice talking about everything and anything. It was something he had taken to doing after Neil had said hearing his voice was enough to chase away any horrors that snuck into his dreams.

Andrew’s soft breath came through the phone.“I miss you too.”

“I should visit you this weekend,” Neil said, a curl of warmth unfurling in his chest. 

“It’s Thursday. You need to learn how to plan your trips better.”

“Last month you decided to visit in the middle of a phone call and left while we were still talking. I fail to see how I’m a worse planner than you.” 

“I could come to you,” Andrew said.

Yawning, Neil shuffled down into his blankets. “You have practice this weekend. It’s only a six-hour drive, ‘Drew. I could leave after last practice and be at your place by ten tomorrow night. If you came here, you’d have to leave Saturday night.”

The fact that Andrew wasn’t arguing meant he had won. A slow smile spread across his cheeks and he yawned again.

“You should sleep,” Andrew said. “Do you want me to stay on the phone?” 

Neil could hear the exhaustion in his voice, and the rustling in the background as he shifted in his bed. “You need to sleep too. Night Andrew. See you tomorrow.”

When he hung up, Neil dropped his phone onto his chest and imagined it was a brick. It would explain the crushing feeling. Turning on his side, he pretended Andrew was behind him.

After practice the next day, Neil said goodbye to his team and slung his bag into the passenger seat of his car. It was beginning to turn into autumn, and he hoped the colors of the leaves would be enough to distract him from the thoughts churning in his mind all day. They were a messy assortment of blurred oranges and yellows, with some greens still in the mix - beautiful enough to remind him that soon it would be Halloween and the year was disappearing before he knew it. It meant, for him, that his time in college would also be coming to an end before he knew it. Then he would be off to play pro - and more time away from Andrew. His chest clenched and he forcibly exhaled through clenched teeth. 

Before his freshman year, he had been scared because death was always one step behind him no matter how fast he ran. Now he was frustrated because the life he wanted more than anything was just out of reach. Admittedly, he was also scared. This was never supposed to be in the cards for him - not playing exy or going to college, and especially not falling in love. 

Sometimes, he still wanted to run. He wanted to forget the pain of being far away, and forget the ache in his chest every time they hung up on the phone or parted after a weekend. But to run? It would be so much worse. The thought of hurting Andrew made him sick to his stomach. 

Sometimes, Andrew would do something like run his fingers through Neil’s hair as they sat close to each other, and Neil would freeze because the last person to put their fingers in his hair was Jean pulling dye through his hair. Before that, it was his mother, and it was never an act of kindness. Andrew always understood the split-second hiccups, and always gave Neil a chance to tell him no. And when Neil didn’t say no, Andrew would go out of his way to do the action again. Like the smoke, everything that had been associated with dangerous people became a safe and grounding thing. 

He wanted to say the word - the one everyone threw around so easily. But to him, love was so stained with fear. He was terrified to pair it with Andrew. And if he couldn’t say it to Andrew, what kind of soft future did he deserve? He felt it though, why else would his chest feel so empty when they weren’t together? He trusted Andrew with everything that made him Neil, and Nathaniel before that.

Pulling up to Andrew’s apartment gave him pause. It was a little after ten-thirty, and the light to Andrew’s balcony was on. Outdoor parking sucked when it rained or snowed, but now Neil took a second to stare up at the light and as the _ longing _ overtook him more fiercely than ever. He wanted to be greeted with this sight every night. He loved Fox Tower, but he loved Andrew’s apartment more. 

He was still staring when his phone rang. After checking the caller ID, he answered with a smile. “Hey.”

“What are you doing? Get up here.”

“Were you watching for me?” Neil asked, a laugh in his voice. 

“No.” 

Neil laughed again and hung up. Grabbing his duffel bag, he ran up all five flights of stairs. When Andrew opened his door and arched an unimpressed eyebrow at his heaving chest and flushed face, he grinned weakly and stepped inside.

When Andrew closed the door, Neil stepped closer to him- not touching, but close enough to feel the warmth of his body.

“Hey,” Neil said, softly. 

Andrew reached between them, his hand hovering a few centimeters from his scarred cheek. At Neil’s nod, he pressed his palm onto Neil’s cheek. Turning his head, Neil kissed his calloused palm. 

“How was the drive?” Andrew asked. 

Neil closed his eyes. “Too much thinking time - but good.” 

“Dangerous,” Andrew murmured and took his palm away. Interlacing their fingers, he led the way to his bedroom. “What do you want to do?” 

Neil threw his duffel bag by his side of Andrews bed. He smiled at that - _ his side. _ “Anything is fine, what were you doing before I got here?” 

“Watching a movie.” 

Neil nodded. “Do you want to finish?” 

“You don’t even like movies, and this is a long one,” Andrew said, leaning against his door frame. He watched Neil dress into sweatpants and a t-shirt he had stolen the last time he had visited. 

“Harry Potter?” Neil guessed. 

Andrew rolled his eyes and led the way back to the living room. Neil tucked himself into his side as soon as he nodded in permission. This was his favorite place to be other than the exy court. “There are movies other than Harry Potter that are based off of books you know.” Andrew huffed as he picked up the remote to press play. “It’s Lord of the Rings.”

Neil had never seen it, but he remembered seeing the books on Andrews bookshelf. He tried to watch and follow along, but Andrew was halfway through the second movie and he got confused before long. He turned his attention to Andrews hand, which was sitting on his thigh. 

Andrew didn’t take his eyes off of the movie, but Neil knew he was paying attention to his movements. With careful fingers, he traced the outline of the Columbia key into Andrew’s palm. When he finished that, he moved on to tracing the outline of the Maserati. Then the apartment key and every other key he had been given in his years of living as Neil Josten. When he ran out of keys, he started again with the Columbia key. 

“What are you doing?” 

“I don’t know why you ask things you know the answer to,” Neil replied, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. 

A yawn forced its way out and without saying a word, Andrew turned off the movie and tugged him to the bedroom. They slipped under the covers and he lifted his arm for Neil to curl close to his chest. 

Neil shifted, unable to get let his thoughts from the past few hours - weeks - go. With a heavy sigh, Andrew dropped a hand on his side, and asked, “What?”

Stilling, Neil thought of how to put all of his words into a way that didn’t sound stupid. He settled on saying, “Do you ever get scared? Of what it will be like in the future?”

“Are you asking about space travel or your future in general?”

“_ Our _ future.” 

Andrew froze. “Did something happen?”

Shaking his head vehemently, Neil tried unsuccessfully to wrangle in the ache in his throat and chest. “No, everything is fine - it’s good. I promise. I just…” 

“Spit it out, Josten. Are you planning on running?" 

“No. Of course not. But, I never got to think about the future as a good thing, you know? It was always where and who I would be next. But now, I’m Neil Josten and I can stay. I have the Foxes - I have _ you. _” Neil dropped his head on Andrew’s broad chest and tried again. He wasn’t saying what he was wanting to say. “I keep thinking about after college. I miss you,” he murmured. “I miss you even when I’m here, and it’s because I keep thinking that I’m going to have to leave soon. I want this so bad, all the time, it’s not what I’m used to.” 

Andrew cupped the back of Neil’s neck, and the tangled mess that was his emotions came to a stuttering stop. For the first time in days, he could breathe. “This is what I mean,” Neil said. “_ This. _”

“I want this too,” Andrew said when Neil made no indication he would elaborate. 

It was four words, but Neil knew what lay under them was everything else. Andrew never wanted anything before, he had no hope for the future. But he wanted this.

Maybe they didn’t need to proclaim their love for each other loudly like Dan and Matt. Maybe they didn’t need to see each other every day to know it was still going strong. But it was in everything else they did; their words and actions. The way they looked at each other and held each other. It was comforting knowing that no matter what, the future was something they could tackle together. 

“I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you.”

“Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I like the idea of the last two lines being interchangeable with who is saying it? Either way it's good and heartfelt ;;;;  
I hope y'all enjoyed! Please hit that kudo button and comment if that's your cup of tea.  
<3


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